I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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