Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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