come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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