I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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