i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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