If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
