I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
