Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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