first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize