These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
