Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
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