True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
