I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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