Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
