isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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