just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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