From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
