just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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