well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize