as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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