Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
