If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
