My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm both gender and math confused
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
