Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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