I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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