Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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