doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize