its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize