Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
