Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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