he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
