Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
