I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
