Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
tell me about the eggs
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
