Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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