Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
