It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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