When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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