I wish I only lived at night.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
