loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
