You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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