i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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