have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
