You just made me feel so damn special
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize