and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
