In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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