I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
