btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize