new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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