i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
