I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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