Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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