When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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