Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
