Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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