So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
