Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
