After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
