Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
