o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I wish you could order shots online.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
