I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
