where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
